Where a Man Becomes a Comedian 

“Sorry ladies, the alligator on my shirt says ‘I’m next’.” – Ax to Max

Fewer places are more daunting than a public men’s restroom. There are too many variables to adjust for when dudes get together with their wieners out. Add booze to the equation (like at your favorite sports venue), and what was once a quiet place to poop and check email, quickly becomes a one-eyed surprise staring at you through a glory hole above the toilet paper roll. Outside the stall, you’ll find that urinals without dividers invite awkward heckles at your stubby wang. Jerryrigged stall doors are an inevitable peepshow into your “wipe-’til-it’s-white”  stratagem. And don’t think that just because you’re  in a one-holer, you’re alone. Herpes travels well and does not care if you build an ass fort of disposable liners on the seat or disinfect with bleach. It will get you. In spite of the perils that lurk behind the man on the triangle, when nature calls, you gotta answer. Here, then, are 10 reasons the men’s room is a tough place to pee:

10.) Despite all that you’ve learned from the Ghostbuster’s movies, the guy next to you wants to cross streams.

9.) Urinals at the gay bar are dudes on their knees, mouths agape.

8.) The guy waiting behind you has his hand in your pocket.

7.) The only thing deeper sounding than peeing into the center of the bowl is a stranger’s voice at the trough calling you out for peeing in a stall.

6.) The guy waiting behind you  stopped waiting all over your legs.

5.) One thing’s for sure, the line to use the pot is longer than your bladder is big.

4.) When you finish, there will ultimately be pee on your leg and/or pants.

3.) Whether out in the woods or in the red light district, if your dingus is exposed, you gotta watch for cruising bears.

2.) The outside of your pants will ultimately be speckled with someone else’s pubic hair.

~and, finally~

1.) Most rapists agree, a victim is most vulnerable when his pants are already unbuttoned.