10 Reasons I Miss Planned Parenthood

Nothing's sweeter than a disease free muppet.

I’ve worked at a lot of sleazy operations (a liquor store, for my father-in-law, Target), but none as controversial as Planned Parenthood. To some, Planned Parenthood represents all that is evil in the world; a place that touts lust and sexual deviance as appropriate behavior. A place where the consequences of such sinful conduct results in the murder of the unborn. Yet, to others, Planned Parenthood is a treasure trove of reproductive health information; not only is it a place to learn safe sex practices but also a resource for limiting the unintended consequences from those practices. They see Planned Parenthood as the proverbial topical cream that soothes the burning of social stigma (and chlamydia).

At Planned Parenthood, the only thing defining good and evil was from what side of the fence you picketed. These competing ideas faced off daily as liberal minded employees made their way to work through a line of staunch anti-abortion protesters. It was awesome. Unfortunately, I don’t work there anymore. And it’s too bad. It was the only job I can think of beside in the race for a GOP presidential candidate where the more radical your moral compass, the better your chance at success. Here, then, are 10 reasons I miss working at Planned Parenthood:

10.)Showing off my extensive knowledge of herpes to my new coworkers only leads them to believe I have herpes.

9.) No one appreciates my crafty misuse of coat hangers.

8.) Protesters at my new job actually work here.

7.) The South Carolina BBQ, the French dip and clam stew weren’t always just euphemisms for lunch.

6.) The sex-ed slides of an oozing, infected penis I threw into my sales presentation doesn’t close deals like they used to.

5.) I never had to force high-schoolers to have safe sex by buying them beer.

4.) The literature in the bathroom was supposed to be covered with pictures of dicks.

3.) There’s no pill in the current inventory to eradicate mistakes from last night’s binge drinking and canoodling.

2.) The dead baby jokes don’t kill like they used to.

~and, finally~

1.) Abortion punch cards! Buy 10, get one free (with purchase of a fountain drink)!