10 Reasons That Sounds Wildly Racist

"It's not racism if I'm just acting like a racist." -Mel Gibson

Did you ever stop a conversation just by downplaying the plights of Mexicans or Jews? Of course you have. You’re socially awkward. More than that, you’re a north of the border racist. When you’re not at one of your dignified kleetings (Klan meeting/beating), you’re busy postulating the extinction of the white male.  And why shouldn’t you be concerned? According to everything you’ve ever heard from FOX News, you’re a dying breed. You are no more than a fading photograph in the hand of a time-traveling Marty McFly. At this point, the only thing you have any power over is aligning with people who might share your views. Finding like-minded people by testing the waters is tricky especially when those waters are riddled with so many “Chinks and their goddamn junk boats”. So, what do you do? You start chatting up a whore you want to impregnate and right in the middle of negotiations, you unconsciously lay an egg. Here, then, are 10 reasons that you sound wildly racist:

10.) Jews haven’t been called “Hebrews” since before the pyramids. And they haven’t been called “Mud People” since the King James Bible went obsolete.

9.) You don’t have to keep explicitly reiterating what you mean when you say “the N-word”.

8.) The voids in your teeth whistle when you stress that “they should be called Mexi-can’t's”.

7.) Okay. We get it. Rush Limbaugh is your guiding light.

6.) Call them “white trash” if you want, but isn’t this your trailer home?

5.) Your mason jar of ‘shine is empty.

4.) References to the “Bill of Rights” have only weakened your argument for slavery.

3.) You hold a degree from a state college.

2.) Nowhere in the Koran does it define Islam as “a heinous tribe of sand-surfin’, baby-eatin’ banshees”.

~and, finally~

1.) You’re white hood is stained with chaw.