10 Reasons To Instigate A Fight

Way back when I was in college I went to one of the most crowded and fun parties that I’ve ever been to.  I made my way through the drunk student body that was the living room into the kitchen.  I discovered a fire extinguisher and decided to make things a little more interesting.  After all, what would the most epic party be without a smoke machine?  I set off the extinguisher in the kitchen and everybody panicked.  Hundreds of people nervously struggled to get out of the house.  Many people squished through the front and back doors while others dropped from windows.

For those of you who don’t know, the chemical composition of some fire extinguishers depletes air of oxygen, thus eliminating one of the essential elements of a burning fire.  This suffocation effect also feels like tear gas.  Because the party was so big and rowdy, people thought that the police had come to break it up.

As everybody vacated the house into the front lawn, I continued to spray the fire extinguisher.  It wasn’t long before I was confronted by a small man (possibly Tom Green).  He commanded me to cease and threatened to kick my ass if I didn’t.  He began counting down from ten.  At each number, I sprayed the extinguisher on his foot.  I don’t remember what happened after he counted three.  According to accounts of the incident, Tom Green’s friend clocked me in the head and I fell to the ground.  I remember waking up shortly after amidst a brawl.  Dozens of people piled up around me and grappled and fought for no other reason but to grapple and fight.  I made it out with a scar and a point.

The point is that there are many things to avoid in your life but a fight is not one of them.  Yes, this was one of the dumbest things I ever did, but it was exhilarating.  There are stories still circulating about what exactly happened and it gets more interesting and funny with every anecdote.  If I were you (and there is a strong chance that I am), I would highly suggest instigating a fight.  Here, then, are 10 reasons why:

10. It will show everyone that you’re not gay (unless you instigate a slap fight, in which case, it means you’re really gay)

9.  You can fight anything from a bully to a small animal to a mound of dirt

8. It proves that you, and not Tony Danza, are the boss

7. It enables you to collect odd scars not resulting from risky sexual behavior

6. Even mild concussions are more entertaining than any drug induced episode

5. You can take the skills you learn to prison when you’re arrested for assault

4. It’s the only accurate way of testing for hemophilia

3. You took three years of karate as a youngster and have yet prove yourself as a true yellow belt

2. It will boost your confidence…right in the face

-and, finally-

1. Fighting cures cancer